Lottchen Admits to 1 Lover (Lottchen beichtet 1 Geliebten)


„I have a strange perfume? What do you mean, I have a strange perfume? I don’t have a strange perfume! Give Lottchen a kiss. I’ve not had a kiss in the whole four weeks you were in Switzerland. Nothing happened here. No, nothing happened here at all! What did you notice straight away? You didn’t notice anything! Oh, Daddy! I’m as faithful to you as you are to me. No, I mean… What I mean is, I really am faithful to you! You fall in love with the chorus of a song if there’s a woman’s name in it! I really am faithful to you, thank God! Nothing happened here.

Yes, a few times in the theatre. No, cheap seats. Well, yes, once in a box. How do you know that? What? Who told you that? The seats were, you know, through connections. Of course I was there with a man. Do you want me to go to the theatre with a nurse, or what? Dear Daddy, it was completely harmless, absolutely harmless. Don’t make a Camorra or Mafia thing, or what they do in Corsica. Sicily, OK, Sicily! Anyway, it was harmless. What did they tell you? What? It was nothing.

It was… it is… you don’t know the man. No, I wouldn’t do that! If I’m going to go to the theatre with another man, then not with one whom you know. Please, I have never compromised you. Men are so stupid, they take offence if one goes out with a colleague from work. And if it’s not a colleague from work, they say: Miss Julie! It’s really not easy! Anyway, you don’t know the man! You don’t know him. Yes, he knows you. You should be pleased that so many people know you. You’re famous. Anyway, it was completely harmless. Absolutely. We went for something to eat afterwards. But that was all.

Nothing. Nothing happened. The man… the man is… I took him for a ride in my car as well. Because he sits beside me so nicely in the car, a splendid guard dog. So. Didn’t Reventlow say that as well? Anyway, that’s what I call it. But only as my guard dog. The man looked splendid. Really. It’s true. He has a wonderful mouth. A hard mouth. Give Lottchen a kiss. He was stupid. He was nothing.

Well, he wasn’t actually stupid. I mean… I didn’t fall in love with him or anything; you know that I only fall in love when you’re there. To please you! A nice man… but I am not interested in other men any more. Not me. I don’t want any more of that. Daddy, he wasn’t even really all that good-looking. He did kiss nicely. But anyway, that was all there was to it.

What do you think of me, anyway? Do you think of me what I think of you? How dare you? I am faithful. Daddy, the man… it just sort of happened. I mean, first you leave me here all on my own, and then you don’t even write properly, and you only phoned once. And when a woman is on her own she is much more alone than you men. It’s not that I need a man… not me. I didn’t need him; he’d better not think that I did! I just thought: I thought, when I first saw him… I knew straight away when I saw him… but it was nothing, anyway.

After the theatre. Then two more weeks. No. Yes. Just roses. And chocolates, twice. And the little stone lion. No. Did I give him my house key? You must be mad! I didn’t give him my house key! I wouldn’t give a strange man my house key! I’d rather bring him to the door myself. Daddy, I felt nothing for the man, and he felt nothing for me, you know that. Because he had such a hard mouth; and very thin lips. Because he used to be a sailor. What? On the Wannsee[1]? The man went to sea… on a huge ship. I’ve forgotten the name, and he knows all the naval commands, and he has a hard mouth. Very thin lips. He doesn’t say much, but he kisses nicely. Daddy, if I hadn’t been so down, it wouldn’t have happened… Anyway, nothing did happen. That doesn’t count. What? In town. No, not at his place; we were in town together. He paid, what do you think? Do you think I’m going to pay for my acquaintances?  That’s… I mean, that’s…! It was nothing.

Tattoos! The man has no tattoos! The man has very pure skin. He has… No details? No details! Either you want me to tell you about it or you don‘t. I’m not going to say another word about the man.

Daddy, listen – whether he was a ship’s mate, or whatever they are called, or not… Now I’m going to tell you something:

First of all, it was nothing, and second, you don’t know the man, and third, because he was a sailor, and I didn’t give him any presents, and anyway, as Paul Graetz always says: You’ve hardly done anything before you’re – Daddy! Daddy! Let me see… What is this here? What? What is this picture? Who is that? What? Where did you meet her? What? In Lucerne? What? Did you go out with this woman? They always go out for trips in Switzerland. Don’t expect me to believe that… What? It was nothing?

That’s something completely different. Yes, I do sometimes take a liking to a man. But you men? Why, you just throw yourselves at them!“

Author: Kurt Tucholsky

Published in:

TuchoWerkeRowo Tucholsky Works PantrTigerCo Tucholsky Panter, Tiger & Co. TuchoLottchen Lottchen KingTuchoGes Tucho Society Reader

[1] A lake in Berlin


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