The Essay Writers (Die Essayisten)

St. Clou, 25th June 1721

…I received a long letter from the postmaster of Bern, Fischer von Reichenbach, with the newspapers, but his style is quite foreign to me. I don’t understand the words it contains. For example, „We take the liberty of charging the postage recently introduced by His Royal Highness‘ general postal authorities on all international sendings.“ That’s some writing if you ask me, I can’t understand a word of it, it makes me quite impatient. Is it possible, dear Louise, that our good, honest Germans have gone so crazy as to completely ruin their language, so that no one can understand it any more?

Liselotte von der Pfalz

A Modest Request (Kleine Bitte)

If someone borrows a book from the library, let’s say Marx: whom does he want to read? He wants to read Marx! Whom does he most certainly not want to read? He certainly does not want to read Herr Posauke. But what has Herr Posauke done? Herr Posauke has scribbled all over the book. Shame!

The Red Marking Pen Scissors (Die Rotstift-Schere)

The battles which Heine[1] and Börne[2] had to fight against censorship were battles against the red marking pen. The censor crossed out. The battles which film has to fight against censorship are battles against the scissors. The censor cuts. We don’t have freedom of the press, if one asks, “Free from what?” But we do have a sort of freedom of book publication.

No, I won’t eat my greens! (Nein, meine Suppe eß ich nicht!)

Whenever one turns a corner in England, it looks different from how one expected, and that’s how it is with the old district around Shepherd’s Market, just behind Piccadilly. One can best recognize that it belongs there by the fact that it doesn’t fit in at all. And there is an already half-demolished house, with something black on top of it, like a roof tarpaulin. The whole thing makes a sad impression, and there are curtains behind some of the windows, so it is occupied. Still occupied downstairs and already demolished upstairs? What is that all about? It’s about a stubborn-headed man.

The two bottles (Die beiden Flaschen)

In Wells… No, not Wales – Wales is when he is well-dressed. In Wells… although, no, not that either: well is what the English say just to get a sentence going, because nobody here starts a sentence with what it’s about. What it’s about is in the subordinate clause.

A Husband and Wife Tell a Joke (Ein Ehepaar erzählt einen Witz)

„Herr Panter, we heard such a wonderful joke yesterday. We really must… I really must tell it to you. My husband already knew it, but it is just too funny. Alright then, listen.

Prescriptions against Flu (Rezepte gegen Grippe)

At the first approach of the flu, which is recognizable by a slight itch in the nose, contractions in the feet, a bit of a cough, shortage of funds, and an unwillingness to go to work in the morning, gurgle with a little pounded cocaine and half a drop of iodine. The flu will then take hold.

The Guarded Battlefield (Der Bewachte Kriegsschauplatz)

It will be different in the next, the ultimate, war, but in the last war, battlefields were guarded by the police. We tend to forget that. It was like this:

A Brief Outline of Macro-Economics (Kurzer Abriss der Nationalökonomie)

Macro-economics is when the public wonders why they have no money. There are several reasons for this, the best of which are the scientific ones, which, however can be abolished by emergency decree.